From the day we received Dottie’s preliminary diagnosis in August, we have experienced so many ups and downs. We’ve climbed our way out of the deepest valleys and all the way up to the highest mountain tops, only to be knocked back to the bottom over and over again. The climbing back up and then falling again takes its toll in so many ways. To feel such intense joy and relief, only to have it be replaced with the deepest sadness and fear in a matter of moments…as someone who has leaned so heavily on the Lord during this time and seen so clearly His hand working in the chaos and the unknowns…it becomes difficult to trust that His plans are still good when that keeps happening. I’ve had some strong words for the Lord lately. I’ve yelled at Him, I’ve called Him names, I’ve acted like a child throwing a temper tantrum…but this is MY CHILD, and this feels anything but fair. It’s difficult to put into words the true emotions I have been feeling, especially because they change from day to day, but the Lord knows. He’s been hearing from me a lot lately. 

Despite these strong feelings of hurt and anger, today I find myself grateful. I hesitate to say we’re on a mountaintop again, so I’ll say a plateau. On Wednesday, Dottie was moved to another unit in the NICU because she no longer needs the intensity of care that she was receiving before. She’s made so many strides forward. She went from needing respiratory support from a CPAP machine, to backing down to a high-flow cannula, to just this morning only needing support from a low-flow cannula…all of that within a matter of days. Early in her NICU stay she was having several electrographic seizures in a day that were not responding to medication. Those are being well-controlled right now. Her body has also adjusted to the seizure medication and she’s waking around care and feed times, staying alert for longer periods, and learning to express herself more. The most monumental achievement this week has been her ability to nurse. She knows exactly what to do. Our neurologist had said that she may struggle to learn how to feed from a bottle and do so safely. Well…I think our Dottie girl is going to prove them wrong come Monday, when we try that method of feeding. All of these things, all of these leaps forward in a positive direction…I am truly grateful. I am cautiously optimistic. 

When you’re told, “You’re going to have a NICU baby”, nothing can prepare you for what it will actually be like. Nothing can prepare you for the intensity of emotions…the pure exhaustion your mind, soul, and body will feel. But even through the anger I’m feeling toward God right now, I know without a doubt that without Him, I couldn’t do this. Without Him, the dark moments would swallow me whole. Without Him, being able to see the light would be so much more difficult. In all of these trials, there are still blessings. I will continue to praise in the storm. 

The Lord sits enthroned over the flood;

the Lord sits enthroned, King forever.

The Lord gives his people strength;

the Lord blesses his people with peace.

Psalm 29:10-11