On the irony of surrender

The  first thought I had in my mind after hearing I had a brain tumor was"I can't miss my sons' adu;lthood milestones!.... whateverr this is, I will fight it Aand dance with marco and teo at their weddings. It was a premature thought of course, but it was so strong. It has been my ground this whole time. I know my main dream and goal in life is to raise my holy men to go to Heaven, and so far I've  felt more than capable to acheive this, but then again, I had never been faced with my mortalityand the effects of tHAT. MY THOUGHT THERfore began to transform into a surrender prayer," God I know they will be holy men with or without me, help me accept I'm not the one missing key, just YOU are. it was a weirdly easy thing to surrender: my strong dessire to raise them, to just accept the possiblemortal risks of a craniotomy, knowing for sure God's got the boys no matter what. it's weirdly harder to surrender now in rehab, now:,  I have to physically allow strangers to take care of me and i really hate it. I like to take care of others, thAT IS THE IDENTITY I enjoyand did not want to surrender. My next fact share this may make you think I'm insane but who are you to judge someonewith a swollen half brainand limited left mobility: I csnnot stand being in a bathrooom if domeone else is brushing their teeth. It makes me panic. same panic if anyones in my bathrooom ehile I brufh my own teeth. And now these days I have a team of nurses give me ashower, dry me up, , hold me up to the mirror, an hand me my toothbrushto use in front of everyone. It's so psyvologically difficult for nme. How do I surrender this?