The pancreatic drain remains. Removing it is still a week-to-week decision. Amylase fluid this week was 29,825 U/L (up a bit again from the previous week). The blood and fluid levels need to be within a 3:1 ratio of each other. My blood Amylase is currently 62. 

My pattern: Sigh. Pray. Submit. Whine a little. Resubmit. Pray again. 

Honestly, I have become quite weary of the drain. It’s uncomfortable, sometimes rather sore, tedious, a nuisance at night, limiting (e.g., no swimming) and a constant reminder that I am still “sick.” Nonetheless, I’ll take drain pain over pancreas pain any day. So I’m thrilled that my pancreas pain has very dramatically improved. I am also quite pleased to be feeling progressively healthier and more confident (e.g., drove myself for labs this week). 

Besides the medical wonders God is doing to heal my pancreas, I am thankful to Him for a couple of other fun mercies too. 

Our peonies are exploding with color and fragrance in the yard! They are both gorgeous and nostalgic. I love watching them come to life each year carrying love and history from generations past. Some are fucia that came from my Grandma Em’s gardens. And we have a generous row of light pink plants that came from Larry’s mom and the farm where he grew up in Lewiston. For all the yard and household matters that have fallen behind, these peonies are a beautiful illustration that God takes care. I can rest and just watch Him keep putting life on display. 

I’m cleared to pick up my grandson again! “As your comfort allows,” Dr. Sparkman said. I could have hugged him! It’s time to beef up my arm muscles to start lifting our 22-pound gem. It will be joy. Carly, too, is very happy that I’m becoming more hands-on with her. Due to the drain, I’m most uncomfortable with sitting upright and bending over. It is more comfortable to be standing up or reclining. I’m delighted to know it’s safe to start stretching my strength and embracing my loved ones anew. 

Larry and I have frequent conversations and prayers about things like lifestyle and pacing. For the better part of 30 years our choices have often been limited. And it’s hard to watch each other carrying degrees of exhaustion even when we are confident and happy to follow the call to disability parenting. It’s an incredible privilege to be a team in it. Still, we frequently must pray: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” (Serenity Prayer) If not for this prayer, it’s tempting to fall into a victim mindset or feel defeated. 

I’m realizing new freedom in admitting my humanity. Sometimes that even means taking the easy road when I’m so used to pushing through and expecting life always has to be hard. Our daughter Erin shared a song by Jess Ray that offers powerful lyrics. For example, these lines have encouraged me through the tensions of a slow healing process: 

Thinking of myself as a “cancer survivor” is still absolutely SURREAL. I truly can hardly wrap my mind around it. Here’s what I can wrap my mind around. My healing from cancer and this recovery process are deepening some convictions, clarifying some passions, sharpening my faith,  refreshing my vision for the work and people I love, and strengthening my intimate reliance on the author and perfector of my faith.

Hebrews 4:16 

Final Thought:
It seemed like it was important to say (write) this today. I don’t know why. There are so many things I could write, so many different approaches I could take to sharing updates. I probably spend too much time wondering what you want to know or trying to figure out what I want to say. I apologize for the times I ramble. Rambling, sometimes, is the easy way. Right now, I am quite appreciating that my husband and God invite me to do easy.