Well, THAT escalated quickly...

I am just as surprised as you are that it takes me WEEKS to update here...seriously, I have no idea how so many days slip away. I think about updating every single day, but things can (and do) change so quickly, sometimes hour by hour, that by the time I can sit down to type...it seems like it's already outdated news.

BUT the days slipping by means that we are already on the front end of week 4!
Halfway "there".
Yesterday (Thursday, chemo day), Brian asked his oncologist how much worse he can expect his side effects to get, and she solemnly replied: "You're halfway there".
oof.

As always, I have to back up to get to where we are today.

Brian's last day of preaching until after treatment and recovery was September 27th.
In over 26 years of ministry, he has never taken an extended break. Even when we would take a "vacation," he has almost always had to work at least part of the time he was "off".
No one is at fault here, there is no blame to lay.
It's just the nature of the life we have chosen.
The closest he has ever come to a sabbatical was when he won a merit scholarship for a semester at Jerusalem University College.
He was gone for 6 weeks in the Summer of 2023 for an intensive course of study.
Hardly a vacation.
Why am I telling you this...oh, yes.

"The barn burned down, now we can see the moon"

                       Mizuta Masahide (1657–1723)

While this in no way has been a vacation or a sabbatical (this ish is HARD), we are realizing just how much we desperately needed a break. I have lots of thoughts on how our bodies "keep the score," but that is for another time...for now, know that we are trying to see glimpses of the moon through the haze of the smoke coming from the ashes of our lives.

Well, that sounded dramatic. 
But...
Absolutely every single aspect of our lives has been turned upside down...
Some burned completely to the ground...
There is no area that has not been altered...
Our jobs have been (thankfully) filled in by others.
Our ministries have had to be shifted and rearranged to survive the long term.
Our children have become our caretakers.
Our (eight) grandchildren, who we used to spend every Friday with, have had to adjust in ways that are just not fair.
Our conversations.
Our “plans” for the future.
We say "No" to something every single day...(this is getting easier)
Our home looks like a hospital room.
Our schedule…every hour there is a cancer related activity…mouth rinse, exercises to keep his jaw functioning, food planning, meds, treatments, dental hygiene, skin care, repeat…
Sleep eludes us, so we take it when we can. We used to be GREAT sleepers!)
Our focus and energy (gone)
Our bodies can't be trusted. Is it just a headache or cancer?? Is it possible to get a charlie horse in your ribcage? Apparently. 
Our food is unpredictable (soup is always safe...for now at least)
And SO SO much more. 

But my gosh, the love and support that has been poured out has been humbling and at times staggering. 

October 4th was Brian's 56th birthday, and our amazing church community celebrated 
"Pastor Appreciation Day" (They always lovingly include me as well <3 )
We have never felt more loved in all our days. 
The heartfelt words of love and appreciation will never be forgotten. 
They filled our cups to overflowing. 
We cannot get over how incredibly generous and thoughtful others have been toward us. 
And not just our church community...
Some are perfect strangers who have just been touched by Brian's story. 
I know that we are not, by any stretch of the imagination, the only ones going through this right now...we know so many others... but when you are in the middle of it, it is hard to keep your head far enough above water to see what is going on around you. 
Thank you for seeing us, remembering us in your prayers and taking the time to make a bid for connection. 
We know that is a costly thing to do, taking time from your day to serve another. 

This is getting long and I've hardly updated you...I think I would have made a wonderful letter writer in the 1800's...

Brian wanted to go to dinner for his birthday, Longhorn to be exact. 
It took him 2 hours to get halfway through that meal. 
He was fine that morning, and by that evening, solid food was off the table.
Thankfully, his parents were able to come up from Louisville to stay and help for the week because our oldest daughter had surgery on the 5th. We cannot give enough praise that her results were a surprising hallelujah! We were bracing for the worst and received the best! 
Keep her in your prayers as she is still healing and in recovery for the next month or so. 
(with 4 children at home!)

It is such a strange thing to walk through this, and I would need a counselor to help me describe it all (and the resident mental health expert is sleeping at the moment ;) ) 
but to have cancer and exist in your life is...weird...because some mornings he will wake up and be in absolute misery, not able to swallow or get through the day without pain meds, a liquid diet, and 18 hours of restless sleep because his throat is covered in ulcers and mucus, and his skin is starting to burn and blister...
and we are halfway "there"...

I am assuming we will know when we have reached our destination...

Other days (Usually a Friday when he is jacked up on his chemo steroids) he can still make it to the gym and do about a quarter of what he used to and then come home and crash for the next 3 days. 
If you were to see him...you might think he is doing great...and sometimes, he is, for a time. 

And sometimes I am crying in the kitchen trying to find anything he might be able to eat that isn't ice cream because everything I bought for him 2 days ago is no longer tolerable. It is just so hard. 
(We are stocked with high calorie/protein powder and spaghetti sauce, his latest "want" for the next few days!)

There are moments we will never be able to share or explain to others, and I pray that you will never understand what I mean by that, but those of you who have been through this, you know, and I'm so sorry for you. This is not meant to be exclusionary; it is not a club you want any part of.

Specific prayers for fine-tuning pain management, good deep sleep, food tolerance and weight gain/maintenance (He has lost over 10 lbs and is refusing a feeding tube at this point), strength each day, mental clarity to focus, rest for those who are carrying us and our burdens.

Praises for glimpses of the moon in the acts of love from others, first time ever family photo session with ALL 15 of us! (with Audin Photography https://www.facebook.com/audinphotography)
Beautiful cooler weather so we can be outside, all the help we received in turning our garage into a usable space for his parents to stay and the kids to hang out since our home is literally a tiny home, our neighbor that we adore getting a sweet new doggie that we get to love on (if you know Brian, he loves a good doggie snuggle), those who are quietly advocating for us in the background, those who are hosting events for us as additional support (The yard sale Bean and Stacey hosted was amazing and we are looking forward to the Knights of Valor bike run 10/17!)


Thank you. Nothing you have done has gone unnoticed. 
Thank you for your grace in our delayed responses and for trusting that we are doing the best we can. 

Love to you all.
Jalal

(I will add more pictures on Facebook)