The Silver Linings We Keep Finding

If you had asked me in the summer of 2023 what I thought the next few years of our lives would look like, I never could have imagined this.

That summer Amanda started complaining about an extreme, stabbing pain in her right hip. She brushed it off as “just getting older.” And, honestly, I think I believed her because it was easier to believe that than to imagine anything else.

Then came the fall of 2023. Amanda ended up in the ER because she was convinced, she had a kidney stone. After the initial CT scan, the ER doctor came in and told us Amanda was going to be admitted for a biopsy because they had found lesions on her pelvic bone.

I remember looking at her. She didn't seem to understand what that could mean. Truthfully, neither did I. We waited in that hospital room for what seemed like forever, desperately wanting someone to tell us what was happening.

Then two men in white coats walked into the room. They were oncologists. And that's when it finally hit us.

Cancer.

Once Amanda was released from the hospital, we started the process of getting established with MD Anderson here in Phoenix. On September 28, 2023, we walked through those doors together.

Eventually, we met Dr. Sagaram, the wonderful doctor who would become Amanda's oncologist—and unfortunately, the person who had to give us the news we were all desperately hoping wasn't coming.

Stage IV metastatic breast cancer.

The cancer had already spread farther than we ever could have imagined, making itself at home in her spine, pelvis, and ribs. There really aren’t words to describe what it feels like to hear that about the person you love. But this is where those silver linings I keep talking about start to show up. While the cancer has certainly made itself known, the tumor in one of her breasts and another under her right arm have actually managed to shrink a bit. We are learning to celebrate the victories we’re given—and this one is definitely a silver lining. ❤️

The past three years have been a blur of appointments, scans, treatments, radiation, medications, good news, bad news, waiting, worrying, and learning more medical terminology than either of us ever wanted to know.

And through all of it, I've watched her change. But not always in the ways I expected. Somehow, through all of this, Amanda's self-esteem got better.

She stopped worrying so much about what other people thought. She became more confident about the clothes and weird jewelry she wears. One thing I can say about her, she truly has embraced change.

She even became a pixie-cut-wearing blonde—which took an explanation from Amanda. I just thought short hair was short hair. 😂

And honestly, if cancer was going to crash our lives, Amanda apparently decided she was at least going to look cute while fighting it. 😂💁‍♀️

But I've also watched the harder parts.

The medications alone are overwhelming. Amanda takes 32 pills a day. Thirty-two.

There are times when I can tell that all of those pills, injections, and infusions are taking a toll on her. She finds it difficult for her to remember things. Sometimes she can't remember what she just said or what she was supposed to do. For someone who has always been the person who remembers EVERYTHING, I know that must be frustrating.

One of the things I know has been hard for her is now having to use a cane.

She relies on it now for mobility and balance, even though she'd probably tell you she doesn't need it. 

I've also watched my wife struggle emotionally.

A few times during this journey, she has slipped into a deep depression. And those have been some of the hardest moments for Jax and me to watch. This is a woman who has always been interested in everything.

We've watched her stare at the walls. We've watched her sit through songs she used to sing every word of. We've watched her become quiet and withdrawn.

And if you know her, you know that's not who she is.

But here's the thing about Amanda...She doesn't stay there for long.

Eventually, Amanda decides it's time to throw a party. It doesn't matter what the occasion is. Give her a random Tuesday and she'll probably find a reason to theme it, decorate it, and take it completely over the top. 😂

She's already talking about decorating our new home in Lubbock for the holidays.

Because even while we're navigating all of this, she's planning for what's next.

She still works a full-time job. She still plays chauffeur to Jax. She still keeps a clean house. She still somehow manages to be a fashionista. She stays connected to our church family and makes sure our friends are getting together, spending time together, laughing together, and staying connected.

She threw an epic graduation party for our son. She makes sure she gets her vitamin D at the pool. And, of course, she has an epic tan to prove it. ☀️😂

She may take more naps than she used to. She may need a cane by her side. She may have to take those first few steps a little slower.

And as her husband, I have to admit that some of the hardest moments for me are the ones where she struggles. Watching her struggle to get out of the car. Watching her take those first difficult steps after getting up from the couch. Watching her take ALL OF THOSE pills every single day.

Those are the moments that remind me just how much this disease has changed our lives.

And they hurt. They hurt Jax. They hurt me.

But Amanda has taught us something through all of this.

Look for the silver linings.

The cancer itself is stable right now, and for that, we are incredibly grateful. We don't take a single stable scan for granted.

And then there are all of you.

The people who have prayed for us. The people who have checked in. The people who have donated. The people who have shared our story. The people who have made us laugh when we needed it. The people who have reminded us that we're not doing this alone.

You are our silver linings.

I've watched Amanda lose some things to cancer. But I've also watched her gain something I never expected: A completely different outlook on life.

·         She doesn't want to wait for someday anymore.

·         She wants to see things.

·         Do things.

·         Celebrate things.

·         Love harder.

·         Laugh louder.

·         Make memories.

·         Throw ridiculously decorated parties.

·         Take naps.

·         Get tan.

·         Plan our Lubbock house.

·         Keep checking things off that bucket list.

Cancer may have changed our lives.

But it hasn't changed who Amanda is. She's still my wife. Still Jax's mom. Still stubborn. Still beautiful. Still a fashionista. Still a party planner…now just doing it all as a blonde.

We’re going to keep moving forward—looking one silver lining at a time.

Thank you for being part of our story. We couldn't do this without you. ❤️

— Ryan