Chemo 1: Afraid, but not alone
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The Castillo Family
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The Castillo Family
The guilt. The shame. The relentless questions.
What did I do wrong?
Why me?
Why now?
What’s the point of trying to make sense of it?
The ache shows up uninvited—
especially in the quiet, inconvenient moments,
and sometimes when I’m smiling, pretending it’s all okay.
I will fight.
But oh, how I wish I didn’t have to fight.
I’m afraid.
I don’t want this to be my story.
I want to close my eyes and rewind—
back to the moment before the “C” word shattered everything.
Now my life is divided: before and after.
But even in this valley, I remember.
God has carried me through shadowed places before.
When I was five, trapped in a spinning car,
His unseen hand kept us from going over the overpass.
When my scuba gear stopped working 40 feet below the surface,
He became the breath in my lungs.
When my kidney and body failed,
His arms became my resting place.
When doctors said I might never become a mother,
He whispered, You are My child, and then gave me life to hold.
When postpartum depression clouded my world,
His presence broke through the fog.
This isn’t the first mountain.
It won’t be the last.
But I know the One who walks ahead of me.
I know who holds me now.
And I am not alone.
Prayers requests
For the boys. We have been sharing with the boys more of what’s to come. Pray for their little brains to understand that mommy has to get sicker before she gets better. Teddy has been more sensitive and worried lately. Pray that they feel secure and safe.
Strength for Alex. Physical, emotional and mental stamina as he has to work while I’m at the majority of my appointments. It’s been hard on both of us not being together for key moments.
That my remaining lymph nodes function normally. There’s not a lot we can do to prevent or reverse the first signs of lymphedema, right now. This is due to the cancer that’s still in those lymph nodes. Aggravating them with drainage, could cause the cancer to spread further. Bug bites, sunburn and small “micro wounds” like a scratch are small but mighty injuries that could kickstart lymphedema. I’m connected with a wonderful specialist and meeting with her every other week. Pray specifically that it would be kept at bay. It would be wonderful to not worry about one more thing, right now.
For my heart. That I am filled with courage and to receive help without feeling shame. It’s hard not to feel like a burden these days both emotionally and tangibly. This is a very long road and I’m dependent on others for a lot, right now. To sum it up, it’s a humbling experience having someone else come in the house and clean my toilet. Pray I don’t withdraw from others out of fear of being a burden.
Thank you for walking with me and my family through this season. Your generosity, thoughtful meals, words of encouragement, and—most of all—your bold, faith-filled prayers have been a lifeline. We see God’s grace through each of you, and we are deeply thankful.
For His glory,
Elly
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