Let’s start with some good news about our boy….

Zeke’s genetics came back favorable! We also had an eight day blood draw (eight days post the start of chemo) that showed NO leukemia cells in his blood. This tells us his body is responding well to the current chemo regiment.

Two of the three pieces have fallen into place. That last piece, a clear bone marrow draw on February 2nd, will put him in the ‘Super Favorable Outcome” category. We are cautiously optimistic, while also wrestling with the fact that terms like “outcome” exist over Zeke’s life.

Now for some personal lamenting..

The compounding effects of the steroids are reaching peak levels, with nearly constant crying or screaming. Whether it’s wanting breakfast at 1:30a or wanting a cupcake we don’t have at 12p…. the denied requests lead to a cascade of emotions, lasting upwards of an hour. Only to settle but then quickly restart.

It is wearing us thin.

How do you hold frustration and gratitude in one moment? How can you be so thankful for a medicine like steroids, while also wanting to throw them out the window when you see the way they change your child?

I am not sure. Maybe I will have an answer when I look back on this season. I’ll let you know.

I (Sarah) have finally been able to pick up my Bible again. I’ve been focusing on God’s answer to Job. Not the rest of that book, Job’s friends and Job’s thoughts wouldn’t do much for my attitude in this moment. But I have been combing through God’s answer to Job, hoping to understand… hoping to find comfort. I haven’t found it yet. It has only left me acknowledging his sovereignty and power, while also wondering if He is just cruel. Feeling like He is an almighty savior, filled with Lovingkindness and Grace, until His Will turns on you. Don’t worry, you don’t have to armchair diagnose me or try to solve my thoughts… I ask that you just listen, if you have the patience.

Yet, I am not without some hope.

I heard (on The Ramsey Show of all places) Psalm 34: 19-20; “The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from all of them; He protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken”. This verse, along with knowing that we are made righteous through our faith in Christ (Romans 3:21-26), has softened something in my chest. Something that has allowed me to make requests from God again. Something that has allowed me to look at God and say over and over (the only thing I can pray right now)…

“Then deliver us”.

What we are praying towards//

-Continuing to pray that Zeke’s bone marrow draw would be clear on February 2nd