This Wednesday is my 11th infusion, and I’m starting to see the light at the end of the long, dark, scary tunnel. I’m not sure all that will happen after chemo ends, but I know it will take me months to recover.

The biggest side effect is the fatigue. My doctor reminds me that my bone marrow is taking a heavy hit with each infusion, I’m anemic with low red blood cell counts, and it’s completely understandable that I’m too tired to do anything. Lying in bed or sitting with my feet propped up, I feel really good. Normal, almost. But when I try to do anything I’m reminded of how weak I am.

I’ve even lost my balance and fallen a few times. Usually when I’m squatting or close to the ground I’ll lose my balance and topple all the way over. It’s a strange feeling to try and use muscles that used to be there and are now atrophied from months of lying in bed. The muscles just don’t respond, and I think to myself, “Okay, we’re going down!” It’s confusing.

Of course there are several levels of fatigue. There’s:

Too tired to breathe: which I’ve only experienced once and it was overwhelming
Too tired to turn over in bed: which happens a lot
Too tired to take a sip of water or take my pills: I struggle to take all the meds I need because I’m just too tired to do it
Too tired to sit up: frequently experienced
Too tired to stand while talking to someone: constant for me
Too tired to climb the stairs: I lay down when I come upstairs and wait until I stop panting to catch my breath before doing other tasks
Too tired to shower: ugh, showers are so much work and so much standing!
Too tired to walk at a normal pace: constant for me
Too tired to hang out for very long: also constant

So I’m very thankful for the many friends who come to clean my house on a regular basis, because I just can’t do it. I’m grateful for all of you who have made meals for us as that is too much for me to handle. And I’m thankful for all of the texts and cards that often don’t get answered or answered right away because I’m too tired to check my phone. 

The doctors say it will take me a couple of months to get my strength back, but I’m looking forward to June when the treatments are done. Praying for good scans and an end to this chemo life!