My doctor said these 12 rounds of FOLFOX chemo are one of the most brutal chemo regimens because it’s just so long. Thankfully, I’m not a long-hauler stage 4 patient that needs lifelong chemo. I know of one patient who is on their 79th round of chemo, and I just can’t wrap my brain around it. 

Still, I feel the toll and the cumulative fatigue, weariness, nerve tingling, and taste changes (chemo attacks the lining of your mouth since they are rapidly dividing cells). By looking at my hairbrush and shower drain, I think I have lost about a third of my hair now. There’s a small sore on the bottom of my foot caused by chemo, and it’s not healing quickly. My ileostomy has had more leaks of late, and it’s a huge pain to have to change the entire system at 3am or to cut short my breakfast out with friends because of a huge blowout. 

Through all this, I’m constantly reminded of how loved I am. Stephen doesn’t expect anything of me except to persevere and do the work of getting better. So many of you are praying for me and cards keep coming in, telling me so. I’m especially reminded of God’s love when I get to attend church or watch the livestream. In the past my attention has been drawn to the holiness of God that often turns to much talk of judgement and wrath. I’m learning little by little to focus on the overwhelming texts in scripture and song that tell me how much I’m loved by God. Each morning at Bible time around breakfast, we pray as a family. Thatcher’s prayer is always the same for whoever we are praying for that day. “Please help them to know how much you love them.” I’m thankful for Stephen directing him to focus on this request because it’s what I want my children most to know. I’m just learning it now in real and tangible ways. 

What’s next? Well, I hope to have all 4 kids join me to ring the bell after my 12th round of chemo. Then I have an internal scope on May 30 to see if I’m a good candidate for the ileostomy reversal surgery. 

Please pray for wisdom as this decision affects the rest of my life, and I’m not sure what to do. Life with an ileostomy is hard, awkward, and dehydrating. Getting reconnected means I wouldn’t have much control over bowel movements since I won’t have my holding tank (my rectum) anymore. I’d need to be near a bathroom within a few seconds of eating in order to not have accidents. A potential third option would be to have a colostomy where my large intestine is connected to the stoma. I’m not sure if insurance will cover this or if I even want it, but it’s something to ask my surgeon about. 

After finishing chemo, it will take me about a month or two to get my strength back. Please pray for patience as I’m already frustrated that I want to do things and don’t have the physical stamina to do them. My next CT scan will be in November, one year after my surgery. In the meantime, I will have a blood screening to check my numbers for cancer, but this test isn’t super reliable or informative. I would love prayers that the cancer will not have spread, and I’ll never have to  do another chemo infusion again. We’re praying for NED (No Evidence of Disease). 

These children are doing well, but I can tell they’re tired of chemo life as well. They keep asking how many more days till I’m done. Brynn really can’t wait for me to spend more time out of bed. We do have a beach trip planned to celebrate after school releases. Can’t wait for the fun things we have planned this summer!