Yesterday was Dottie’s due date. 

It took me some time to process my feelings about that. At first it felt like any other day since she’s already here, but then I remembered what it had felt like before 20 weeks. The joy of being pregnant, of being able to tell Charlie that he was going to be a big brother, of knowing that we could find out if it was a boy or a girl a little bit earlier (thanks, “geriatric” pregnancy), of being blissfully unaware that there was anything wrong. 

When we announced that we were expecting Dottie back on May 22nd, we knew then that the early genetics screening that told us her gender had also flagged the possibility that Dottie could be born with some type of syndrome. At that point, we thought it was something called Triple X. As far as syndromes go, it’s very mild and one that many women live completely normal lives with, not even realizing that they have it. If I could go back and tell myself then what we know now…

The past 17 days of Dottie’s life, much like the last 8 months of ours, has been an absolute roller coaster. But, honestly…I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Dottie is here. We can hold her, love her, comfort her, and advocate for her…all while she reminds us daily of God’s love. 

There was a time during the past 8 months where we didn’t think we would even get to meet our girl. After the fetal MRI on August 25th, when it felt like our world was completely shattered, we found ourselves praying to God for a miracle…and if not a miracle…then mercy. It felt that bleak. 

It’s been 17 days of merciful miracles. 

When it felt like the rug was being pulled out from under us again and again, there would be what one of our social workers, Ryan, likes to call “God winks” - and they keep happening. God has shown up, every time, in some form or another, to remind us that He’s here with us. Whether through something with Dottie, an experience with a nurse or a doctor, or even something within ourselves like a strength we didn’t know we had or an ability to speak up in a way we normally wouldn’t feel comfortable. Merciful miracles…God winks.

I’ve shared before that Dottie’s name means “gift of God” and “God is gracious”. In the midst of one our lowest moments in the NICU, I told my uncle, “I’m waiting for the ‘God is gracious’ part.” In that moment God felt far away and anything but gracious. But the more we live this NICU life with Dottie, the more I’ve come to see that, even when those feelings are strong and the hurt and anger toward Him builds, He always finds ways to remind us that we are not alone. 

So very thankful for these 17 days with our girl. Celebrating every milestone in her life so far and every experience in ours that has gotten us to this point. 

Merciful miracles. 

God winks. 

Happy due date, Dottie girl!