Yesterday was one of those days I was feeling all the emotions of this whole thing on repeat. I am just weepy all day. I think it's been all the quiet minutes today, when my mind isn't occupied by meds or being somewhere or checking something or managing Jack, etc. Those moments are when I have a chance to feel all of this. For the most part, this all has happened so fast, one thing to the next and there has been very little time to process before the next thing has come up. And we've had lots of down time but are either exhausted or managing things for Ronan or Jack, trying to sort out technical things, etc. so there just hasn't been a ton of these quiet times. 

It was just me and Ronan up here yesterday because Bryce took Jackie home for a couple of days. There's some projects going on at our house and Jack needed to burn some energy and sleep in his own bed a little. So there's just been a lot of quiet time. Ronan was extra sleepy because of nausea meds today and we spent most of a third day at the infusion clinic. 

For some reason, Ronan is not holding on to his magnesium. They think it is kidney related though his kidney numbers continue to improve. Magnesium is a very slow infusion (4+ hours) so it has been some long days. Friday, he got a partial infusion dose and then sent home with oral mag. The oral mag caused horrible poops and so it was very low again on Monday. Yesterday, he got a full infusion so today's numbers were better but they wanted him to get a bit more. He got another partial infusion dose today. So everyone cross your fingers and toes that when we recheck magnesium on Thursday morning, it's good. We are sick of sitting at the infusion clinic! 

Little fluffs of Ronan's hair came out in my hands today. He's always had thick, somewhat coarse and wavy hair. It was dark when he was born and then so blonde when he hit about two and now a dirty blonde that tends to bleach in the sun. People might not think him losing his hair is a big deal because he's a boy but he's been really sad at the thought of it. It's strange how much our hair is a part of our identity. I also think it's the difference of it all right? It's an outward symbol to the world as to what's happening. The team says he may or may not lose it versus it just thins out. We've all vowed to go bald with him if it does. I've never cared about appearances less than I do right now, but even I dread the questions and the looks everywhere we go, if we all go bald. 

I've also been grieving our summer these last couple days. We look forward to summer all year. Bryce is off work and I work almost all weekends which leaves are weeks free to go on adventures. The last couple of years we have camped along the entirety of the Oregon coast, been to Wisconsin, Idaho, and Montana, and all over Oregon including to Diamond Lake and Crater Lake. Every memory from it is popping up in my feed. We had planned for the Redwoods, Wallowa Lake, Idaho, Mount Hood and a new coastal camp trip this summer. I am hoping we can still fit in the close options if Ronan is feeling up for it and it fits in with treatment schedule, but we will see. I am also seeing everyone else's summer pictures. I love seeing the joy but I also feel a little jealous. We want to give our guys every wonderful summer experience we can. Jack just started riding his big guy bike so we had bike plans! I'm sad that so far Ronan's summer has been the hospital and infusion clinics, and that Jack's has been hospital visits and a total change up on every routine. I'm grieving for them and for us all. And yes I am so thankful Bryce is off and I have access to some paid leave and those things are a huge blessing but, there's grief too.

Today we have no infusion appointments and no labs. We're looking forward to a down day of relaxing together. I will also try to get laundry done and catch up on budgeting and bills and etc. I'm hoping my approval for my 30 day leave of absence will finally come through. I think Bryce and Jack will be back up later too ♥️ 

Thank you for all the continued thoughts and prayers. We could use some extra ones this week as we head toward the end of induction. Monday morning is Ronan's next bone marrow aspiration. It will tell us how well he has responded to treatment so far. Above all else, this is the biggest predictor for a positive prognosis and will determine the intensity of the next several months. We want no leukemia to be seen. So send him some extra love and prayers this weekend, and send us patience and sanity while we await results, likely until 7/18. 

We are looking forward to going home soon we hope! It's crazy to me that neither of us have been home since June 14th. I'm nervous to be that far from the hospital in case of emergencies. I know too well the little misses that can happen with managing those at another facility not specializing in pediatrics, not having our team right there. We definitely have some contingency plans to lay out. Still, the idea of home sounds pretty wonderful for all of us. Hopefully we will be able to head there with a technical remission, some good solid plans and hopeful hearts ♥️