I am scheduled to go for my mid-treatment scan tomorrow (Thursday). I didn't think that I would have a lot of "scanxiety" this time, mainly because I have felt confident all along that the treatment was working. But, as it gets closer, I find that I am, in fact, quite anxious. There's always a chance that the cancer is not responding as well as they would like. Fortunately, there are second and even third line treatments available for my type of lymphoma, and they are quite effective. But, when I tell you that I really, really don't want to do those - I really, really do not want to do those. I want this to work so that I can be done. Those other treatments are more involved and scarier. I'm glad that they exist, and I really can't imagine the scanxiety that so many cancer patients face when they might get the news that their cancer isn't responding and there's nothing else that can be done. That is scanxiety on a whole other level, and my heart breaks just thinking about it. But I still don't want to have to go that route. So I'm praying that this scan shows really good news. Then I just have to gird my loins and finish my treatments and then I'll be done. (Or done-ish. I may or may not have some treatments going forward, but they should be much more manageable.)

Some people have asked what stage my cancer is, and the answer is that I don't know for sure. It's either stage 2 or stage 4, but they didn't need to determine for sure because the treatment would be the same either way. That said, staging does make a difference when it comes to prognosis. For those with stage 2, 80-85% have a 5-year survival rate. For those with stage 4, it's 60-65%. I don't think that I'll ever know for sure what stage it is, and that's okay.

And now for a prayer request. Hannah has been sick with a respiratory virus the last couple of days. She's had a rough year of sickness. She got sick about once a month while attending school (which is normal for a preschooler). We were all quite sick in March before I started my treatment. After that, we pulled Hannah from school and therapy so that I could avoid illnesses. I have been so thankful that I'm not going through treatment during the heart of cold and flu season. We've been fairly isolated. And yet, Hannah got sick in April after my first treatment (we suspect after a trip to the dentist). Miraculously, I did not get it. And now she has gotten something else (we suspect after she went with Sean to see the steel drum band play, which was the one fun thing that I wanted her to do because she loves it so much - see photo). Please pray that the rest of the family would be spared. My immune system is quite low (though it should actually be starting to bounce back now, which is good), and any illness would likely result in a hospital visit that I don't want to make, as well as potentially delay my next treatment. And please pray that we would avoid any other illnesses for the next few months! I just want to get through this without anything major happening. The expected side effects are more than enough to handle. I've had a couple of new ones this round, and I'm ready to be done with all of this. (Have I said that enough?)

On a happy note, after 5.5 years of parenthood, Sean and I got our first "I love yous." Cara very unexpectedly gave us the sweetest "I love you" filled with giggles and joy. It was the best thing that I've ever heard. While I have never doubted that the love has been present these last few years, it was good to hear the words. I hope that I never take them for granted.

Will update about the scan results as soon as I know!