Treating this as a diary, I guess

It feels incredibly weird asking for help. I was raised to be self sufficient, asking for assistance feels like something I'll not allowed to do, and that I'm a failure for doing so. 

In some ways, I am. At least in the capitalistic sense. I'm fighting against systems put in place to not let me succeed. There is little support waiting for disability. If you work yourself to the bone to put food on the table, they'll say your capable of work, even if it burns you out and ruins your help. They just want you to sit there, wait, and suffer. Impossible tasks for those who have the least amount of broadband and resources to go through. 

I used to be able to do things. I was a cosplayer that was going to conventions. I'd go out with friends. I would go places for more than just necessities.
Now the only places I leave the house for are the hospital and the grocery store/other small errands. 

I used to be in love with sewing and art, but the fear within me make everything hard to appreciate. 

Every day is just a test of endurance. All of my energy just goes to persisting. It would be a mercy to see the end of this.

I just hope I live to see the end of it. Hope to see a day where I'm not terrified for my future.

The last thing I've ever wished for was to be a burden. I always wanted to be good, helpful, and silent. 
It's hell being in a situation where I'm forced to be the opposite to survive


If your reading this, thank you for hearing part of my story. 
If you're in the position, help would mean the world to me. 
If you're not, just the thought of knowing I'm seem for even just a second helps.