The ugly part
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This is a poem of sorts that I started writing after being diagnosed and continued to write and rewrite the last two months. This gives a very intimate view into my lament and conversation with God.
My own words fail me. I am not enough. Carry me. Root me in YOUR word, Lord.
“Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.”
– Psalm 42:7
– Psalm 42:7
Grief rolls in and out like the tide—
Relentless. Each wave uninvited.
Yet still, You are near.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
– Psalm 34:18
– Psalm 34:18
Does it matter?
What’s the point—
To be broken, hidden,
Never the same again?
My body betrays me, yet again.
How do I move forward
Without hating what’s left behind?
Lord, help me see beauty in the ruins.
“He gives beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning…”
– Isaiah 61:3
– Isaiah 61:3
Over my shoulder, the monster roars—
It’s gaining ground.
I’m nearly outpaced.
But even here, You go before me.
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
– Deuteronomy 31:8
– Deuteronomy 31:8
I survive—but at what cost?
Always looking back,
Afraid of the darkness still chasing me.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me…”
– Psalm 23:4
– Psalm 23:4
How long, O Lord, can I keep going?
The future looms,
Dim and uncertain.
But even when I cannot see the path,
You promise to light my next step.
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”
– Psalm 119:105
– Psalm 119:105
Guilt whispers—
How dare I think this way?
Shouldn’t I be grateful just to breathe?
Yet, You invite the brokenhearted.
You hold space for my sorrow.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
– Matthew 11:28
– Matthew 11:28
An unstoppable force barrels toward me.
But so does Your mercy.
“Surely your goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life…”
– Psalm 23:6
And I grieve—
What could have been,
What should have been,
What I must now place
In Your hands.
“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you.”
– Psalm 55:22
– Psalm 55:22
Still… I choose to hope.
When my words fail me,
Your Word holds me.
You are still God. Still good. Still here.
“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.”
– Lamentations 3:21–23
– Lamentations 3:21–23
Comments
Tonya Gripentrog
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Jenn.hamm
Psalm 91
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.
Josh Lloyd