Today was very tough for me. I thought was just going to pick up a box of Bella's things from the NICU that they had made up of her stuff, like mementos. When I  got to the hospital, all the hard feelings from before came rushing back. It felt like I was there to see Bella again, but this time, I only collected her last and only belongings. I couldn't even make it past the front desk without crying. By time I made it to the NICU, I was already a mess. When the lady at the desk looked at me and asked me what the patients name that I am visiting,  I froze up. I had to think about it. How do I explain that I'm here for my baby's belongings left behind but I'm not here for my baby. I'm sure I didn't need all of them details but I didn't know what to say when she asked who I was there to see. I immediately told her the nurses name who was our favorite, in hopes that she was there. I told the lady to tell that nurse who I am and she will come to me. And she did, with tears in her eyes before she even seen the tears in mine. The last time we were here, we were saying goodbye to our baby girl. A few of the nurses came out with me, when they heard I was there, and we all cried together. They told me how much Bella meant to them and that they think about us often. They didn’t want to call us and make us sad, but they missed us too. They were worried about us. See when you're a NICU mom,  them nurses become your best friend. The kind that you can tell you life to and they will stop their day to listen. Especially if it's important to us. So our favorite nurse is the one who asked first,  how we are mentally, have we started drinking again? How are we coping? Have we started grief counseling? How is my marriage? Are we leaning on each other or is it starting to get rocky. She isn't new to this. She knows how trauma works and how grief can make a person fall backwards and lost everything they ever worked so hard for. Grief just creeps up on you and you can't shake it off. So now, these 2 boxes are sitting beside me. She says I can open one of them now or later. But the white box they knew was going to take a while and they warned me not to open it until we are ready. In one box, there were Bella's blankets and tiny beanies, wristbands, and little mementos of Bella, and info for grief counseling and things like that they said. So, I decided I was going to wait for Colten to get home and we do it together. Now that im home and a complete wreck all over again, im just sitting here and staring at the white box that says fragile. It will contains molds of Bella’s hands and feet, which are too hard for me to look at right now. It reminds me too much of the moment we found out Bella was gone when her little foot moved after she had already passed away. I didnt believe them. So I tickled her feet. And all I got was reflexes. That box is reminding me of the moments when her little fingers wrapped around ours, just perfectly. That box will remain unopened for quite some time.     The pain I am feeling today all over again, isn't fair. Its intense. I feel like I am right back in that dark space that I finally climbed out of. I was finally able to tolerate life. Finally able to find our new normal. Besides the NICU. The pain hasn't gone away, but I'm finally back to the point of getting out of bed and moving around. Instead of locking myself in my room. Going back to that hospital felt like ripping off a band-aid. I was trying to heal, but today reminded me of my deepest pain. A pain that is taunting me. A pain that no mother should ever have to feel. Leaving that hospital NICU without Bella again, broke me. I cried in the parking garage for over 30 minutes. Before I could even drive. It’s hard, but we’re trying to keep going, carrying Bella’s memory with us every day. They say it comes in waves, not from my experience. It comes like a hurricane and tears your whole world to pieces.