First, I want to apologize that it has taken me so long to share any updates.  If you had asked me how I would have handled a cancer journey before I got sick I would have said that we would have been fairly private.  However, when the reality of actually having cancer finally set in, I realized that sharing what we were going through as a patient, a caretaker and family was very therapeutic.  It helped me reflect and process what I was experiencing and once I was able to do so writing about it and sharing it with you all helped me.

My last update was on Facebook back in March, the day I rang the bell.  That day was the start of an unexpected "journey in a journey".  Ringing the bell was symbolic and special. I rang it with Matt and the boys and had a few close friends cheering us on.  When we got home we pulled into a surprise party in our driveway complete with cheering, tears of joy, a yard sign, homemade posters and a special game ball. I'll always remember how loved I felt and how special that day was.

If I am being honest, that day might also be when the second hardest part of this journey started.  The first was being diagnosed and coming to terms with the fact that I was indeed fighting for my life, fighting to see my children grow up, hoping I could see them graduate and dance with them at their weddings.

The next chapter (for me) has been less physical and more emotional.  The chemo appointments which you know are killing the cancer stop.  The meal trains stop and check-ins stop and I found myself in a very dark place.  I was scared, anxious and trying to figure out what my new normal was.  My new medication caused severe joint pain and nausea and I was living in a state of anxiety, fear and depression.

It has been a process (and will be ongoing) but I found an incredible therapist who provided a safe place where I could be emotionally raw, share my deepest fears, work through living with a healthy dose of anxiety and learning to truly live again.  PTSD is real and when you experience emotional or physical crisis, it takes its toll and requires a lot of self reflection, recognition and acknowledgement of fear and pain and learning new coping mechanisms so you can feel like you are keeping your head above water.

What I have learned is that we have so little control over what actually happens to us.  I can only control my feelings, my actions and do not need to live in a constant fight mode... it's too exhausting and simply not sustainable.  I am still adjusting and getting mentally healthy but very proud of the progress I made.

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your thoughts, prayers, cards, journal entries, texts, packages, meals, flowers, miller lite, company and kindness.  Everyone's journey is different but you paved a path of compassion, love and support for my family and I will forever be grateful.

ALL MY LOVE - Monica

We Got This