I feel as though I start every reflection with some variation of, "It's been a busy couple of weeks...." 😂 Being on hospice while having two young kids who are living their best lives is a trip! I go from coordinating play dates to blending medicines in to my smoothies; from hunting down library books to hunting down my heating pad. Whew, what a journey it is.

We had a really nice, relaxing Christmas this year and it was just what we needed. I was excited to be able to participate in Christmas fully this year, too! I didn't get to do as much cooking and baking as I usually do, and I didn't plan coordinating pajamas or cute hot cocoa bombs or any of the pinterest-y mom things I often do. And ya know what? It was just fine. 😧 My kids didn't melt down over not having a certain kind of cookie and no one even asked about their lack of coordinating pajamas. And I am *certain* they didn't mind that I took 100 less pictures than usual 🤣 We had just as great of a time, and I actually got to sit and enjoy it instead of being busy in the kitchen. Again with those lessons from the universe... I'm finally catching on.

On Christmas, we surprised our kids with the GVL vacation from INDY Foundation and it was such a fun trip!! They took amazing care of us all weekend, we didn't have to spend a dime. The kids agreed their favorite part was *both* of the pools/water slides. Adam's favorite part was the horse-drawn wagon ride (the drivers were so funny and we had to get a good running start to make it through a muddy patch!). My favorite part was our evening in the Igloo - enjoying dinner, playing, and our surprise chocolate fondue. We had so much fun and our "cabin" (hard to call it a cabin when its really a full on house! 😍) was so beautiful, it was hard to come home.

I'm really enjoying this new phase of parenting elementary aged kids! Teaching them classic games and discovering new, fun ones. Showing them 90s movies and having more fun watching their reactions than actually watch the screen. Being able to have real, flowing conversations around the dinner table. I love every moment. Even the sass and the sticking tongues out in defiance 🙃

Despite how much fun we've been having, cancer doesn't care. I had a pretty big increase in pain the week of Christmas. I basically had to sit, with my left arm propped up just right in order to be out of bed (and I really didn't get out of bed except for during Christmas gatherings). That, plus some very low-key adventuring on our trip made things flare up even worse. I was in tears by the time we came home. Thankfully my brother watched our dogs and my mom came and packed up allllll our Christmas decor for us while we were gone - seriously saved us so much work!! And I'm especially glad for this help because my body was in no condition to even put away ornaments. In fact, I could barely use my left arm at all without muscles spasming in my neck and radiating pain through my armpit. The pectoral tumor had also very painfully spread into either my breast bone or the surrounding tissue. We can physically feel and see that one, too.

My nurse came the day after we got home and, again, she could tell I was in pain within the first few moments in the door. We talked through symptoms again, we called the doctor again, and, just like we did only two weeks ago, we created a new treatment plan and med schedule 🙄 I just got the hang of that schedule and now we are changing again. I really hope this doesn't continue to reoccur on such a short-term basis - it's exhausting emotionally and physically. We also had to add four (ugh.) more meds to my arsenal for the severe acid reflux and GI issues being caused by the tumor in my pancreas putting so much pressure on my stomach. We suspect cancer has spread to my ovaries due to some off-and-on spotting I've had for the past month and possibly my left hip based on sharp pains when putting any weight on that leg or when bending/unbending it.

My sleep schedule is all over the place from changing my med schedule and it's very frustrating to keep rearranging my pill organizers. I am also frustrated by how much I depend on taking opioids and morphine 😖  They come with awful side effects and are all around not my kind of thing. Seeing the impact of addiction on many of our family and peers makes taking it really unsettling.

Yes, this is the route I chose, but let's be real, it's really the only option I have. No more treatment options aside from radiation, but I couldn't keep doing that indefinitely. No clinical trials for my type of cancer. So it's die in severe pain without the meds, or die with minimal pain and be high pretty much all the time 🤷‍♀️ 

And yet, despite all of this, I'm still not done yet. The joy I'm feeling in my life right now, the love I have for my family and getting to make a few more memories with them, the peace I feel at finally finding radical acceptance - it all outweighs the pain and sadness. I'm not done yet ✌🏼 So I'll take the damn pills and continue bringing my heating pad everywhere and keep putting one foot in front of the other 🩷

I added new 2025 dates to our meal calendar! Meals or meal gift cards are the best way to help! Finding time and energy to meal prep and cook is not happening right now 🥴 easy to assemble dinners (sandwich stuff, taco stuff, lettuce + salad toppings and dresing, etc., individual lunch portions, breakfasts have been some of the most helpful meals! We also love getting deliveries of random snacks, ingredients, etc! 

Thank you all for the ongoing love into 2025. We appreciate your support 🙏🏼 

🩷 Elizabeth