Sumer 2026- 2 Years In

Sorry, and not sorry, it’s been a minute since I posted an update. We’ve been busy living life and experiencing summer so I cannot really be sorry. There is so much to say and almost all of it is good.

Summer, for us has always been our time for adventures. With Bryce being on the school schedule and getting summers off, and me working mostly weekends, it’s our time. Someday when I catch up on digital scrapbooking, I’ll make a summer album for each year. We’ve traveled to Wisconsin and Montana and Arizona, and Idaho. We camped all along the Oregon coast and Diamond Lake. We visited Crater Lake and lots of waterfall trails. Summer is for adventuring and core memories. 

The summer of 2024 wasn’t supposed to be different. We had planned a trip to the Redwoods, Wallowa Lake, and multiple camping trips. Instead, we got hospital walls, the Ronald McDonald House, and a lot of memories we’d rather forget. They pop up in my social media memories too and drag us back there. On one hand, it feels like those days were a whole lifetime ago, like we’ve been in this forever. On the other hand, I can’t believe it’s been 2 years. My little boys have grown so much in that time,! They were so little. I’ve decided cancer is a weird worm hole in time in this way. But that summer, 2024 was one we grieved for everything that was happening, but also for the adventures we weren’t getting to have as a family. 

Last year, we started to dip our toes back into summer adventure mode. We made it to Spokane and our first family camp. We went on a couple of camping trips. Each thing meant something a little extra to us because we had all missed a step the year before.

This summer, Ronan was old enough that he got to go to Camp Ukandu for kids. I’m not sure I could have let him go, without having experienced family camp last year. Every staff member and volunteer is so wonderful, I knew they would take care of our boy. And he deserved that adventure. He got to stay in a cabin that looked like a magical hobbit house with a bunch of other 8 year old boys who all understand what he’s lived. For a whole week, they got to swim and rock climb and zip line and sing and perform skits and do art, and just be kids who got each other, and who had the best time. 

At home, Jack got some special mom and dad time to himself. He got grandma and papa time to himself. He missed his brother, but I think he enjoyed that. Sometimes Jack feels like he’s got love leaks. No matter how much love we pour into him, it’s never quite enough because it leaks out as we pour it in. It’s sad and exhausting and definitely feels related to his experience as a cancer sibling. I carry so much guilt for things I wish I could have done differently, but also for things I don’t think I could have. It is its own heart ache. Though Jack was too young for kids camp this year, one of the amazing parts of Ukandu Family Camp is that he sees he isn’t alone either. I hope as he grows, we can repair those leaks. 

So, June was kids camp and Jack time, and we built a new fence in our backyard (not fun but necessary.) Early July was a trip to Idaho to spend time with family. We got niece and nephew and cousin and sister and grandma and papa time. We got to find out that a new little niece is on the way! We got to go to a water park and celebrate the 4th of July. Then after a quick turnaround time, we went to Ukandu Family Camp. Last year, we were full of nerves and had no idea what to expect from such a place but this year we had all been eagerly awaiting going back. It’s hard to fully explain all that camp is and has become to our family. We got to spend time with other parents, and we shared our grief, our deepest fears and the joy of watching our kids be kids. We wore tutus and did skits and sang songs. We went from a Memory Circle to ice cream to beach day. We watched our children form bonds with other kids who got them in a way nobody else can. We got face time with friends we rarely get to see in person, and who get us in a way nobody else can. 

On the Thursday at camp, there is a dance. Beforehand, the kids get to go to “beauty shop” and get their hair chalked, their faces glittered, and their arms tattooed. Parents get a private, catered dinner with no kiddos to worry about over a real meal. Then we meet at the dance. It is beautiful chaos of course but so much fun. This year though, there was a few minutes I will never forget. Fight Song by Rachel Platten was played. It’s a great song. I was singing it at first, dancing my booty off. Then I looked around and I saw all of these amazing kids singing this song. I saw incredible parents singing this song and I just sobbed. We have all faced a fight we didn’t sign up for and seeing that particular group sing that particular song is an image that is seared into my heart for good.

The last campfire is steeped in emotional traditions. Luminaries made by all the campers line the pathway. The last campfire is the start of good-bye and it was predictably difficult for everyone. It reminded me though of a quote in Winnie the Pooh that talked about being so lucky to have something that makes saying Good-bye so hard. We talked a lot about dual truths at camp this year. It is true that I would never have chosen this path for my child, for my family, if I had been given any say. AND it is true that we have been offered some amazing opportunities because of this path. None of them outweigh the hardship but it’s okay to acknowledge and be grateful for them. I’m grateful for so much about camp. I could go on and on!

Now, we are home and we’re trying to enjoy some down time together, go to the pool, go to the movies, play out back, go to the park, etc. We have one camping trip planned at the end of August, to one of our favorite spots. We are hosting a lemonade stand to raise money for childhood cancer research on August 2nd! I’ll share a copy of the flier so you can donate if you like. I can hardly believe it but Ronan is also turning 9 this month so we have his birthday party too. He’s 9 going on 19!

Last but not least, Ronan also has his last chemo infusion and steroid pulse of treatment in August. That feels so crazy to say. We are hoping he can also have his port out soon (after the last infusion) but we are waiting on surgery scheduling. He has just under two months of oral chemo at home and then…He will officially ring the bell to mark the end of active treatment in September! He is so excited. We are all excited. Bryce and I definitely carry a hefty amount of anxiety into end of treatment as well, but we are trying not to let the boys feel that. It is one burden I hope we can spare them from. We are planning to have some family and friends present for the bell ringing, and hopefully follow it up with swimming, which was Ronan’s request. A week after he rings the bell, we are taking that trip to the Redwoods!

Somewhere in the midst of all of this, Ronan will start 3rd grade and Jack will start 1st grade. It’s hard to believe! Bryce and I are working on rediscovering some things for ourselves that we enjoy. We were told at camp to reframe self-care as self-preservation so that is what we are trying to do. We also want to get all of us into some kind of counseling if we can, even if we have to wait for the Loft to open. Ukandu is opening a permanent space in Portland that will offer things like that, as well as fun and connection throughout the year. It’s going to be amazing! 

There are so many good things on the horizon for us. I am afraid to be excited and hopeful but I do feel both of those good things mixed in with the anxiety of it all. We may always hold our breath a little because we know how quickly things can change. Once you know that to your bones, you can’t unknow it. But each day is a step forward, closer to off treatment, closer to the elusive 5 years that marks “survivorship.” Cheers to getting this far. Cheers to summer. Cheers to steps forward. <3