Anniversaries can be strange and this one feels particularly so. It’s hard not to relive things. One year ago yesterday, I sat in Inside Out 2 and held Ronan's hand and couldn't help but notice how fast his heart was beating, even though we were sitting down watching a movie. One year ago, I called up to the hospital for the 4th time that week to see if our urgent referral had been processed and it still hadn't. One year ago, weeks of worrying about Ronan's fatigue and palor, and swollen belly while the rest of him got skinnier culminated and I could no longer quiet my fears that what was making him sick was not mono. We made the decision to take him to the emergency room in Portland. Bryce stayed home with Jack so we didn't have to drag both boys up there. I remember hugging them so tight and feeling so afraid and worried. One year ago, I held Ronan's hand through an IV placement, a lab draw, and an MRI. One year ago, I walked into an empty room in a busy emergency room where a doctor sat waiting for me and I knew before she said a word.

When we got Bryce on the phone, and she explained to us that they were quite certain Ronan had leukemia, I remember that the room began to close in around me. I was shaking so hard, the doctor gently took the phone from me so I didnt drop it. Bryce and I were both crying. I remember desperately wanting to reach through the phone and hug him. I remember thinking, this cannot be real. That night divided our lives into Before, and After. Those were the worst moments of our lives up until then. There have been worse ones since; moments when we were scared, moments when this journey felt so very heavy that we weren't sure we wouldn't crumble under its weight. But we are here. We are a little bruised and a lot tired but Ronan is beating this. He is kicking cancer ass. He’s a year into kicking it to the curb, a year that’s felt much longer, and a year that has aged us. But we are all still standing, and Ronan is feeling strong. 

It's been a weird couple of weeks around here. Health wise, we had yet another ER visit for fever. Ronan felt pretty bad this time, and was also vomiting. He got fluids and tested positive for a common viral illness, but his counts were good so we got to go home. Not long after that, Bryce's parents left to go home. They've been out here for almost a full year, excluding a few weeks when they went home last October. It is good for everyone but it also was sad. They've been a supportive presence, and a security blanket through all of these very hard months. 

My dad came to visit right around the time they left, which was a good distraction from those sad feelings. We had a great visit. We did a couple little hikes. We had a beach day. We played a lot of Yahtzee and did pretty well at trivia on our grown ups night out. The boys had begged us to go out so they could have a last night with their babysitter before she leaves for the summer. They have grown so attached to her and she has also been such a big support in all this too. They had a great night, but it was yet another goodbye. My dad left the next day, and that left us all alone in our house. It is nice and also weird. But it is good, we are finding our new normal for this new phase of treatment. 

Other good things...Jack has started a Ninja Warrior class that he loves and is great at. He is so strong and it is right up his alley to be climbing and jumping and doing obstacle courses. He has endless energy and it gives him something of his very own so it feels like a good thing. Ronan finished out his first grade year and that felt like a huge victory. Bryce is now off for the summer which feels like a sigh of relief. 

Every summer, we make plans for all the time off together and try to make the most of these months. Last summer, that felt stolen as we had to cancel every plan and instead spent those months in the hardest part of this battle. We are looking so forward to plans this summer!

We made counts on Friday, so Ronan will officially begin Maintenance on Monday. He is scheduled for his lumbar puncture at 2:30 in the afternoon, which kind of stinks. He won't be allowed to eat after 6:30 AM so we will wake him for an early breakfast that will hopefully tide him over. He can drink water up until 12:30 but is not supposed to drink too much. Along with his intrathecal chemo, he will get an IV infusion of chemo, and he will get IV fluids. Reaching his fluid goal is pretty impossible when he can't drink significant amounts until probably 4 PMby the time he is awake and wanting to drink, so they will boost him up a bit to help. He will also start a five-day course of steroids, so we will be monitoring blood sugars closely. We are crossing our fingers and toes and hoping 5 days on a lower dose will not trigger full diabetes again, especially since he will repeat this 5-day course every 3 months. The IT chemo he gets will be methotrexate, which is the one that triggered his seizure last year, so we will be on high alert for that this week. Oral chemo at home will also begin Monday night, and will continue for 84 days. This will be our new pattern. We are hoping his little body tolerates it well and we can avoid the hospital outside of our monthly visits. 

Last Father’s Day, it felt like the sky was falling. Today we took Bryce fishing and made burgers at home. I hope he feels loved because he is truly the very best dad these boys could ever ask for. He is sturdy and patient and he plays like he is one of them. He is so loving. And, he is teaching our boys so many things every day that will help them grow into good men. He’s been the strong arms holding us all up.