So it's a little early to share much of an actual update. However, part of the purpose for this journal is for me to purge all my thoughts. I've always enjoyed and found some catharsis from writing, so this is more that kind of post.

Ronan is officially done with induction. Today was Day 29. He had his last dose of dexamethasone for this phase of treatment. He had his intrathecal chemo, and he had a bone marrow aspiration. It went as well as we could have expected. I think the hardest part for Ronan was the not eating all morning. Steroids and being NPO do not mix, poor guy. He devoured so much food pretty much the moment he woke up, haha. 

For me on the other hand, I find these procedures and sedations to be very hard. I remember last spring when Ronan had his reflux surgery, how difficult it was to let him go to the OR without me. Now he's been sedated for about five different things this month and you'd think it would get easier, but it hasn't. The procedures that don't take place in the OR, they let us stay with him until he is actively asleep as it isn't full anesthesia. But he always seems so vulnerable to me in those moments, that it feels so wrong to leave him. I cry every single time. I will say that we've had some pretty amazing sedation nurses and it helps immensely to have a wonderful nurse in those hard moments. Still, I should probably try to steel myself as these will become a routine for Ronan in the next phases of treatment. 

Kidney labs were so great today, yay! Creatinine was back down to almost where it was when we came into the hospital. Acid base was much better and his BUN is still trending the right way. Magnesium was better today too thankfully. Yay kidneys! Blood counts are still not really recovering yet. He got platelets today before the procedure, and he will get blood later this week. They should start to recover, especially stopping the steroids. Bone marrow was easily aspirated today, not "packed" with leukemic cells as it was when we got here (thank goodness.) We still need that basically 0% to come back before it means much of anything but still, it's a small thing we can be thankful for now. It also means Ronan is less sore since they didn't have to work too hard to get the marrow out or poke more than once, or take a piece of the bone itself. 

I found myself looking backwards at photos tonight wondering when exactly this all started. He had just gotten over a virus then, was it because he was sick? I remember a big bruise on his hip then, and he couldn't remember what he did. Was it rough boy play or was he sick? It took six weeks for his labs to really reflect what was happening, six weeks into noticing something was wrong. It took three weeks from noticing something was wrong for his spleen and his liver to become noticeably larger. I know they say it wouldn't have made a difference, that he got here when he needed to, etc. but I can't help but wonder, when did his bone marrow start churning out leukemic cells? I don't think I'm ever going to be able to turn down the paranoid nurse in my mom brain again. I don't think it would have made much of a difference but...she was right to be worried about the big scary possibility this time. I do have to quiet her as we go through this though. I can't live in the worst case scenarios. 

Looking at some of my favorite Ronan photos from the last several months, it aches a little. (The one on this entry is from October.) The sick and quiet little boy lying in bed right now doesn't much resemble the chatty force of a boy in these photos. But they are both my guy. Ronan has always been a serious kiddo who seems older than his years. He seems to have gone a bit internal right now but I think he's channeling that force to get well. Both of these boys are Ronan and as my sister said, they are both part of his story, part of what will shape him into the man he'll someday be. My quiet little warrior, my vivacious wildling, my serious little old soul, you are all my Ronan bug and I love every version of you. 

The end of this week will bring us home, HOME. We had to extend a couple of days so we go home with better, safer blood counts. We also are getting a follow-up ultrasound tomorrow on the liver and spleen just to compare. We see nephrology on Wednesday and have labs on Thursday, then Friday blood, then home! Both the boys are excited. I am ecstatic and nervous. I miss Tucker. I miss our bed. I miss everyone having their own space. And I'm so, so thankful to RMH for this temporary home. It truly is a wonderful organization. I imagine we will utilize it a lot over the next couple of years. Aside from giving us a home for this, together, it has also allowed us to connect with some other families.

It is both a blessing and a curse to meet others in our shoes. It's nice that they get it, and that we can see kids at various stages and their energy, their lack of hair and their level of okay with it, etc. It's also hard when their story is relapsed lymphoma or treatment resistant neuroblastoma. It is a punch to the gut to hear these stories. You hurt for them, for their kid, for their family, and you also think in the deepest part of you, please don't let that be us, my kid, our story. You reach for the positive because what other choice do you have? Kids overcome crazy things. High risk kids with neuroblastoma kick its butt. Relapsed Lymphoma can still be treated. Those kids are going to be fine. My kid can get through this. They can all get through this. I saw a quote from another cancer mom today that talked about how everyone says they are so strong, but what other choice do we have? One foot through the wet concrete, then another. 

We will be back here Monday for a procedure and chemo again. Beyond that...we await results from today to know. In the mean time, we go to these things, we try to stay healthy, try to kick some more meds to the curb (low blood sugars today had us lowering all the insulin a bit so maybe it's on its way out!) Ronan wants to go to the zoo so maybe we can fit that in. Waiting and trying to be patient and positive and not check my phone every second. Home. Let the countdown begin.