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My rosary that’s not really a rosary

In support of
Justin Lacy

As we’ve been wrestling with the uncertainty of Justin’s diagnosis and all the fears that come with not knowing exactly what the future holds, I found myself thinking about something I haven’t thought about in a long time.

A rosary.

When I was in college, I went through a really dark period. I was struggling deeply with depression and suicidal thoughts, and there were times when I needed something to help me get through the next few minutes rather than figure out the rest of my life.

Many of my friends at the time were Catholic, and they recommended praying the rosary when things felt especially hard.There was just one problem. I was raised Baptist, and I was very uncomfortable with the idea of praying a Hail Mary. So I did what seemed like the obvious solution to me: I made my own.

I created a rosary in the notes app on my phone. I started with the Apostles’ Creed, prayed the Lord’s Prayer at each decade, and chose five Scriptures that were particularly meaningful to me. I would repeat each Scripture around the decade, ten times, letting the repetition give my mind something steady to hold onto when everything inside me felt anything but steady. I finished with St. Patrick’s Breastplate.

It became a way of riding out the waves. It didn’t make the depression disappear, and it certainly didn’t magically fix everything. But it gave me words when I didn’t have any. It gave my brain something to focus on when it was spiraling. And it reminded me that I didn’t have to figure out my entire life in one moment. I just had to get through this moment.

So when Justin’s diagnosis brought a very different kind of uncertainty into our lives, I remembered that prayer. I went back and found the old note from 2012. And I decided to make it again. But this time, I changed it.

I changed the Scriptures and the rhythm to reflect where Justin and I are now—to reflect the particular fears I’m carrying, the things I’m hoping for, and the promises I’m trying to hold onto as we walk through this together. It’s still not technically a Catholic rosary. It’s not even exactly the prayer I made all those years ago. It’s simply a practice that once helped me through one of the darkest seasons of my life, and I’m reaching for it again in a completely different kind of darkness.

This time, I’m not praying my way through uncertainty about my future. I’m praying my way through uncertainty about someone I love more than I know how to put into words.

I know that not everyone following Justin’s journey shares my faith, and I don’t expect anyone to. I’m sharing this because prayer is one of the ways I’m finding steadiness right now. It’s one of the ways I’m making space for my fear without letting fear have the final word.

For me, prayer doesn’t mean pretending I’m not scared. It means having somewhere to put the fear. So right now, I’m putting it here.

I’m praying for Justin’s heart.
I’m praying for his doctors.
I’m praying for wisdom and steady hands.
I’m praying for healing.
I’m praying for the days ahead.
And, when I can’t find any other words, I’m simply repeating the words that have carried me before.

I’ve included the full version of the prayer below, for anyone who wants to see what I’ve been praying.

And if prayer isn’t part of your own life, that’s okay, too. Maybe you have your own words, ritual, song, mantra, person, or practice that helps you find your footing when life feels uncertain.

This just happens to be mine.

I love you all dearly - Sarah

My “Rosary”

At The Cross

I believe in God the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth. I believe in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord; who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, dead, and buried; the third day he rose again from the dead; he ascended into heaven, and sits on the right hand of God the Father Almighty; from where he shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Ghost; the holy Church; the communion of saints; the forgiveness of sins; the resurrection of the body; and the life everlasting.

“whenever I’m afraid, I put my trust in you— in God, whose word I praise. I trust in God; I won’t be afraid.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭56‬:‭3‬-‭4‬

First Decade

The Lord’s Prayer