Today is my last day of round 2. I head in for round 3 tomorrow, and frankly, I'm dreading it. When I did some research on the experiences of others who had gone through the same treatment, there were a pretty mixed bag of people who said that their worst round was either 1, 3, 4, 5, or 6. No one said round 2. So I had it in my head that this round would be the easiest, which means that they'll likely be much harder from here on out. And round 2 was more manageable than round 1. I got a new medication to help with some side effects, and my doctor also significantly reduced my steroid dose. My regimen is called R-CHOP, and it consists of one immunotherapy drug, three chemo drugs (all 4 of those are given on day 1 through an infusion) and a steroid (taken orally on days 1-5). The steroid is actually the thing that bothers me the most. I feel very unwell when I take it and just not like myself. I dread taking it and make Sean get it ready for me because I just can't bring myself to do it. Again, it was much better this time than last, but I still dislike it. On days 6 and 7, I experience a steroid "crash," which is also unpleasant.

After the steroids wear off, some pain sets in. (I think that the steroids act as an anti-inflammatory, and when they're done, the inflammation kicks up, causing some pain.) This pain was pretty significant the first round, but during the second round, it was much, much lower on the pain scale. It was noticeable and mildly annoying but not at all like the first time when I couldn't think about anything else. I hope that that continues to improve.

So those things were better, and a few things were worse. I had zero nausea the first round and had about 4-5 hours of nausea the first evening this round. (That's actually not terrible, but I'd still like to not repeat it.) Neuropathy had started the first round but got much worse this time. In addition to numbness and tingling in my fingers and legs, my legs also felt extremely heavy, weak, and uncooperative for several days. I forced myself to walk, and I could walk, but I had to concentrate on it. I met with a palliative care doctor last week (don't panic - some people think that a palliative care doc means that you're dying, and it doesn't - they just help manage side effects and keep you comfortable), and he let me know about the various options for neuropathy help going forward. I'm also going to ask my oncologist about reducing or even eliminating the chemo drug that causes neuropathy because it can be permanent, and I don't think that I want to chance it getting much worse. I have my fingers crossed that she will go for that!

Despite those things, this time was better overall. I start taking pre-meds the day before my treatment and then slowly wean off of things over the next week. After about a week, I start feeling better. I really felt pretty good the last 10-12 days, both physically and mentally. I got to go outside, I was generally in a good, positive mood, and I enjoyed some time with family celebrating my father-in-law's birthday and Mother's Day. In some ways, that makes it harder to go again. I just want to feel good and start to recover for real from all of this. But it's going to get a bit worse before it gets better. 2 down, 4 to go.

I haven't wanted to write updates when I'm in the dark period, because I feel pretty discouraged during that time. (You know how when you're in the midst of something, you feel like it's the absolute worst and going to last forever? And then when it's over, you think, "oh, maybe that wasn't so bad.") But I'll try to share more. It's hard to strike that balance between being overly positive so that no one feels uncomfortable and also sharing the real, raw details that others can relate to (even if they haven't gone through it). I'm definitely not positive all of the time. I complain a lot. I worry a lot. I say "I can't do this" more than I say "I can do this."  But somehow, here I am, doing it.

I still feel very confident that this is going to be successful, and I am still finding a great deal of comfort in my support system and in my faith. I do not feel hopeless or purposeless, and I think that those are two of the worst feelings that you can have. Like with Hannah's disabilities, I don't always understand the "why," but I do know that this is drawing me closer to God and sanctifying me in ways that I have yet to see. For that, I am grateful.

As always, THANK YOU so much for your support and for your continued prayers!