I am headed in for my last treatment in the morning. My feelings are a bit all over the place. I'm very excited that this is the last time. But my body is also tired, and I don't want to do this again, even if it is only one more time. I've also had some new and challenging side effects (but other side effects have improved!), so I feel like I didn't really get a break this time or get a chance to have more good days. I am also feeling bummed because the New Wilmington Mission Conference starts tomorrow, and I am sad that I will not be up for attending what has become my favorite part of summer. And, I think that I am also afraid that people will expect my life to go back to normal quickly, and I know that that will not be the case. I joined a couple of support groups on Facebook, and I know from reading others' experiences that side effects can linger - or even show up for the first time - months or even years after treatment is over. It's going to be some time before I'm back to normal. In fact, I won't be back to my previous normal. It'll be a new normal.

There are a lot of unknowns about this next phase. I've gotten into a routine with my treatment and being checked by the docs and having appointments and labs. I know when I'm supposed to call in about concerning symptoms, and I've been focused on the treatment and other medications that I've needed to get through. I don't really know what comes next. I'm not sure how to support my body in this recovery phase. What do I need to do to address some of the long-term side effects? How can I take steps to avoid recurrence? What are the best things to do and what matters less? When can I get back to my normal medications and supplements and routines? There are a lot of unknowns, and I think that this is an area where the conventional docs are lacking. They just have you finish your treatment and say, "See ya for a follow-up in several months!" and offer little guidance on how to navigate your life now. You're kind of left hanging, and that can leave you feeling alone and insecure.

I recently saw someone on Instagram saying that you shouldn't say to a cancer patient, "Oh, you must be so happy that your treatment is over." She said that many people don't really feel happy because they've been in survival mode and they don't start to process everything until afterward. I understand this sentiment because that's exactly how I felt when Hannah was in the NICU for 34 days. I couldn't even begin to process it until later, and I definitely didn't feel happy when we got home, even though I was glad to have that part behind me. When it comes to cancer, I do think that I have been processing it a bit. But, I know that there is more to come. I saw Princess Kate say something similar recently - that the hardest part of the journey is actually what comes after treatment. So I have some fear about what's to come, even though I'm so glad to be leaving this part behind.

I am also grieving the loss of the old normal and the old me. I'm realizing that I'll never again be the version of me who didn't have cancer (or didn't know that she had cancer). While I know that it won't define every move that I make, it will always be in the background. I will continue to have anxiety about future scans, future labs, and any concerning symptoms that pop up. This part of the journey may be over, but there is much more to come.

Still, I am not adrift in a sea of chaos. The God who made me and loves me is sovereign over all. Not a drop of rain falls without his decree. And I do have positive feelings, as well. In addition to being glad to be done with this treatment, I am also proud of myself for getting through it. I definitely didn't get through it perfectly, and I had some really bad moments, especially at the beginning, but I did it. That is huge for me. I have struggled with anxiety for my whole life and health-related anxiety in particular. Cancer is, of course, one of people's biggest fears, and I am facing it. And, treatment was one of my biggest fears as someone who frets over taking a Tylenol. But I did it. While I don't look forward to doing it again, and I am really praying for a long remission, I did it. And I can do it again when the time comes.

And, of course, I continue to be grateful. I'm grateful for the prayers and financial support from friends, strangers, and more. I'm grateful for the reminder of my mortality and being forced to be in the present and appreciate every moment that I'm given. I'm grateful that I've had to depend on God's grace to get me through and for the lessons that I'm learning. There's so much to be grateful for - it probably deserves its own post.

Please continue to pray. I want to get through the next couple of weeks as easily as I can. We've got several big appointments with Hannah coming up that I want to be present for. And then we need to prepare for the school year. And please, please continue to pray for Sean and our support system. Everyone is tired. Thank you!

(Photo is from Cara's birthday on July 1. She is 2! She is bossy and funny and observant and all of the best things. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for her. Thank you, Lord, for the gift of Cara!)